It's just past noon here in Prague, and my desktop gadget says its 40 degrees outside. I've never been one to dispute weather-forecasting technology, and it being October, my body has forgotten what 40 degrees feels like. So I'll vouch for 40. Bottom line, it's fucking cold outside, and we're not even halfway through October. Fall lasted for about 3 hours.
It's now officially pre-winter -- that special time of the year when the sweet smell of autumn gives way to icy air that pours down your throat like a drag of a menthol cigarette (and like menthol cigarettes, you enjoy the feeling for about 2 seconds until your throat contracts and you want to die). That time of the year when you wake up freezing your ass off and put on your thickest flannel only to spend the rest of your day in a classroom with your sleeves rolled up, sweating more profusely than an illegal immigrant in the Arizona sunshine. And, of course, that time of the year when everyone's nose starts to run. [For an extremely scientific explanation of why this happens, visit: http://kidshealth.org/kid/talk/qa/nose_run.html]
Which brings me to my point.
Today was not only the coldest day of fall/first day of pre-winter, it was also quiz day in Czech class, and the combination of the two marked the start of hands down my least favorite cold-weather phenomenon: the mid-test sniffle.
Now, I'm not gonna sit here and pretend like I've never sniffled. I've sniffled copiously. Vigorously. Prodigious sniffling, if you will. On a number of occasions, I've even abandoned the sniffle and consciously moved on to the full-bore, get-these-fucking-boogers-out-of-my-fucking-nose-because-I'm-tired-of-breathing-out-of-my-mouth snort. But I consciously refrain from doing either of these things during a test. You know why?
Because it's extremely annoying.
The mid-test sniffle is bar-none, hands-down, without-any-doubt the most distracting and aggravating noise a human can make while another human tries to concentrate. I would honestly rather spend a night in the drunk tank with Wally the macaw than sit in the same room as the asshole trying to keep the mucus from dripping onto his test by vacuuming it back into his lungs.
Alright that's a wild exaggeration, because that is one annoying bird, and birds are already my least favorite class in the animal kingdom.
But you get the point, and you know who I'm talking about. Chances are, you've been that asshole. I know I have. But having had a nose for almost 21 winters, and having spent at least 8 of those winters taking tests in confined spaces, I've learned to do something:
Blow my fucking nose.
I don't know why and I don't know how, but I would much prefer to listen to someone nose-trumpet a small Tibetan village out of his face for 2 hours than have to endure that same someone reverse-sneezing into his esophagus at random intervals every 20 to 40 seconds.
I hope you would too.
Therefore, my congested brethren, I beseech you, this winter, give everyone else around your nasaly ass the courtesy, and bring a pouch of Kleenex's with you on test days. And use them.
It'll make everyone's winter suck a little less, which means a lot, especially when it's 8 degrees north of freezing in mid-October.
Forever yours,
Martin
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